It’s Time to Say Goodbye… to everyone else

I think I’ve reached the turning point. I don’t think I’ve completely transitioned over yet, but I think I am finally finally at the point where I am able to honestly and truly see and appreciate the ways in which I am going to miss Salamanca. I have been taking note of these ways, both big and small, ever since I got here in September. Don’t let my recent whines, complaints and laments fool you—I’ve known all along that for every thing I feel for sure I won’t miss there are like 7 more things I WILL miss, many of which I won’t even realize until I’m back at home, or at Bowdoin, months from now, or even until I’m back here the next time, whenever that is.

I’m not totally sure about the precise reason or reasons why I have reached this point, but it probably has something to do with the fact that yesterday I said goodbye to 3 people, making the grand total of people to whom I have actually said/hugged goodbye since Cameron left like 8 years ago (okay, barely a week ago…wow) a whopping 6. Despite the fact that this semester the residencia seemed to be a much more popular destination for the homestay-ers of IES, living in the residencia you don’t actually run into many more people than you do when you’re in a homestay, at least not when you spend most of your time at the residencia in your own room or kitchen with Janna/Julio. What I mean to say is that while the grand exodus of the majority of IES students over the past week or so (most of them in homestays) has definitely been noted, it hasn’t been noted as much as I thought it would be. Until today, I suppose. Natalie has been gone for a few days now and yesterday afternoon Saúl left with Katie (and Janna didn’t get to say goodbye to Saúl, which was pretty heartbreaking for her, so I won’t get into it too much, but I know they will visit each other in LA in the fall!!) and Elizabeth left yesterday morning, too. Something about watching Saúl and Katie drag their 2 rolling suitcases and at least 1 backpack each down the hall of the residencia just made it all seem…so very final.

I’m not gonna lie, there was a definite pang of jealousy as I watched them go, aching for (and dreading) the day that my suitcases make that rolling noise as I leave this building for the last time for a very long time and maybe ever in the cold dark of the very early morning of June 16th. Nevertheless, I thought to myself for the first time, “Whoa, they’re really leaving…it’s really almost over…” and it was pretty sad.

That might sound kind of trite and I know it is but I don’t really want to get into the whole drama of leaving, yet. As I said, I’m at the turning point or perhaps a bit past it, but I’m not fully there yet. I reserve those feelings for some point after 7pm on June 2nd, when I am a FREE WOMAN aka academically a senior. Zing!

Two nights ago was the main night of goodbyes for many people as they all went out to celebrate Taylor’s birthday with tapas and dancing and bar-hopping (a typical weekend night in Salamanca….or any night with no exams the next day, for that matter) and for many it was their last chance to say goodbye and make plans for visits in the future in the US. And I wasn’t there. And I think that’s okay. Maybe?? It’s too late now…Although part of my reasoning for moving into the residencia was that I wanted to get closer to IES kids, I don’t think it turned out the way I was hoping it would. Earlier on in this semester things went really well and I felt like I had found a mini group or at least a few kids in IES with whom I felt like I could spend considerable amounts of time with, trust, etc etc and then….and then we all discovered how hard it is to speak only Spanish and keep Julio integrated, and then those kids started moving apart from me because I never went out with them, and then I couldn’t figure out how to balance Julio and them, and then some of them lost my trust, and then it became clear that none of them really had loyalties to me anymore. Partly my fault because I didn’t go out with them except on the very very rare occasion, partly my fault because I chose to spend time with Julio, partly my fault because sometimes I’d just close my door when they were here because it was clear that they weren’t missing me, as they’d sort of moved on. Partly just because I haven’t yet learned how to easily bridge a language barrier and balance getting closer to other people while not making my boyfriend feel supremely left out and jealous. Not really anybody’s fault. Aaaaaanyway. I didn’t end up as close to IES people as I had initially wanted but I suppose…I suppose that’s just how things worked out?? And while I think it would have been nice to have more people to visit/be in touch with in the US, and to have more travel buddies, I think having Julio and Janna and then the teeny group of IES people from both semesters I miiiiiight actually ever see again is a perfect number. So.

I don’t really like goodbyes, because with the people I know I’m going to see again, keep in touch with, or really care about, I would rather just know that our last few days together were fun, relaxed, and memorable without doing the whole tragic “this is our last ____ together or in Spain, wah wah wah.” And then with the other people, the people I don’t know or care if I’m going to see again, I don’t want to waste time being fake, dramatic, and emotional and make “plans” to “definitely” see each other soon. Ick.

All of that being said, I know that the goodbyes with Janna and Julio are (OBVIOUSLY) going to be really, supremely hard. I don’t want to get into the whole what-is-going-to-happen-with-Julio thing but whatever ends up happening, I fervently hope he gets a chance to take his first ride on a commercial airplane (I kid you not) and use his brand new (well, since January) passport for the first time to come to the US, be it in a few months or a few years. And I know he does, too. I know Janna and I go to school and live across the country from each other but I hope that keeping in touch with her works out as best as it can, given that we’ve just spent a semester living and breathing in the same double, in some of the same classes and in the same city together.

I think the strangest part of saying goodbye to them both and then arriving at home will be realizing time and time again how important they both are to me, clearly in different ways, but particularly because they are 2 of very very few people (perhaps the only 2) who REALLY know what my year here was like. Becca never really knew, my homestay family never really knew, and I doubt much of anyone else at IES really ever knew, either. Which is sad, because I have only 2 other people to get me through the sure-to-be tumultuous and sort of neverending transition home. But there is Skype and there are postcards and there is Facebook and there are photos and airplanes and we will survive, together, apart.

Phew. This is getting dangerously close to a sad sad sad post and I’m not ready for that yet!!

Check out the Bilbao photos on Picasa if you haven’t yet.
Much much much love,
-Casey