It’s Time to Say Goodbye… to everyone else

I think I’ve reached the turning point. I don’t think I’ve completely transitioned over yet, but I think I am finally finally at the point where I am able to honestly and truly see and appreciate the ways in which I am going to miss Salamanca. I have been taking note of these ways, both big and small, ever since I got here in September. Don’t let my recent whines, complaints and laments fool you—I’ve known all along that for every thing I feel for sure I won’t miss there are like 7 more things I WILL miss, many of which I won’t even realize until I’m back at home, or at Bowdoin, months from now, or even until I’m back here the next time, whenever that is.

I’m not totally sure about the precise reason or reasons why I have reached this point, but it probably has something to do with the fact that yesterday I said goodbye to 3 people, making the grand total of people to whom I have actually said/hugged goodbye since Cameron left like 8 years ago (okay, barely a week ago…wow) a whopping 6. Despite the fact that this semester the residencia seemed to be a much more popular destination for the homestay-ers of IES, living in the residencia you don’t actually run into many more people than you do when you’re in a homestay, at least not when you spend most of your time at the residencia in your own room or kitchen with Janna/Julio. What I mean to say is that while the grand exodus of the majority of IES students over the past week or so (most of them in homestays) has definitely been noted, it hasn’t been noted as much as I thought it would be. Until today, I suppose. Natalie has been gone for a few days now and yesterday afternoon Saúl left with Katie (and Janna didn’t get to say goodbye to Saúl, which was pretty heartbreaking for her, so I won’t get into it too much, but I know they will visit each other in LA in the fall!!) and Elizabeth left yesterday morning, too. Something about watching Saúl and Katie drag their 2 rolling suitcases and at least 1 backpack each down the hall of the residencia just made it all seem…so very final.

I’m not gonna lie, there was a definite pang of jealousy as I watched them go, aching for (and dreading) the day that my suitcases make that rolling noise as I leave this building for the last time for a very long time and maybe ever in the cold dark of the very early morning of June 16th. Nevertheless, I thought to myself for the first time, “Whoa, they’re really leaving…it’s really almost over…” and it was pretty sad.

That might sound kind of trite and I know it is but I don’t really want to get into the whole drama of leaving, yet. As I said, I’m at the turning point or perhaps a bit past it, but I’m not fully there yet. I reserve those feelings for some point after 7pm on June 2nd, when I am a FREE WOMAN aka academically a senior. Zing!

Two nights ago was the main night of goodbyes for many people as they all went out to celebrate Taylor’s birthday with tapas and dancing and bar-hopping (a typical weekend night in Salamanca….or any night with no exams the next day, for that matter) and for many it was their last chance to say goodbye and make plans for visits in the future in the US. And I wasn’t there. And I think that’s okay. Maybe?? It’s too late now…Although part of my reasoning for moving into the residencia was that I wanted to get closer to IES kids, I don’t think it turned out the way I was hoping it would. Earlier on in this semester things went really well and I felt like I had found a mini group or at least a few kids in IES with whom I felt like I could spend considerable amounts of time with, trust, etc etc and then….and then we all discovered how hard it is to speak only Spanish and keep Julio integrated, and then those kids started moving apart from me because I never went out with them, and then I couldn’t figure out how to balance Julio and them, and then some of them lost my trust, and then it became clear that none of them really had loyalties to me anymore. Partly my fault because I didn’t go out with them except on the very very rare occasion, partly my fault because I chose to spend time with Julio, partly my fault because sometimes I’d just close my door when they were here because it was clear that they weren’t missing me, as they’d sort of moved on. Partly just because I haven’t yet learned how to easily bridge a language barrier and balance getting closer to other people while not making my boyfriend feel supremely left out and jealous. Not really anybody’s fault. Aaaaaanyway. I didn’t end up as close to IES people as I had initially wanted but I suppose…I suppose that’s just how things worked out?? And while I think it would have been nice to have more people to visit/be in touch with in the US, and to have more travel buddies, I think having Julio and Janna and then the teeny group of IES people from both semesters I miiiiiight actually ever see again is a perfect number. So.

I don’t really like goodbyes, because with the people I know I’m going to see again, keep in touch with, or really care about, I would rather just know that our last few days together were fun, relaxed, and memorable without doing the whole tragic “this is our last ____ together or in Spain, wah wah wah.” And then with the other people, the people I don’t know or care if I’m going to see again, I don’t want to waste time being fake, dramatic, and emotional and make “plans” to “definitely” see each other soon. Ick.

All of that being said, I know that the goodbyes with Janna and Julio are (OBVIOUSLY) going to be really, supremely hard. I don’t want to get into the whole what-is-going-to-happen-with-Julio thing but whatever ends up happening, I fervently hope he gets a chance to take his first ride on a commercial airplane (I kid you not) and use his brand new (well, since January) passport for the first time to come to the US, be it in a few months or a few years. And I know he does, too. I know Janna and I go to school and live across the country from each other but I hope that keeping in touch with her works out as best as it can, given that we’ve just spent a semester living and breathing in the same double, in some of the same classes and in the same city together.

I think the strangest part of saying goodbye to them both and then arriving at home will be realizing time and time again how important they both are to me, clearly in different ways, but particularly because they are 2 of very very few people (perhaps the only 2) who REALLY know what my year here was like. Becca never really knew, my homestay family never really knew, and I doubt much of anyone else at IES really ever knew, either. Which is sad, because I have only 2 other people to get me through the sure-to-be tumultuous and sort of neverending transition home. But there is Skype and there are postcards and there is Facebook and there are photos and airplanes and we will survive, together, apart.

Phew. This is getting dangerously close to a sad sad sad post and I’m not ready for that yet!!

Check out the Bilbao photos on Picasa if you haven’t yet.
Much much much love,
-Casey

Bilbao!

Hi friends!

Julio and I got back from Bilbao on Saturday. We went to the Casco Viejo, Guggenheim Museum, and Museum of Fine Arts, in addition to various plazas and plazuelas around the city. It's a cute city, easily walkable but much more modern than Salamanca. There were way more people from outside of Spain than we had expected, especially in the sketchy neighborhood around our hostel which was really a residencia, just like the one I live in here in Salamanca. We had a great time, it only rained while we were in the Guggenheim and on our last morning, and we bought groceries which kept us full on a cheap budget. Score! I did not take this photo, but it gives you a good idea of how epic the Guggenheim is! It's cool inside, too, but it's more....freaky strange cool than like "ooh wowwww" cool. If that makes sense.

I DID take this photo, however. This is us outside the Guggenheim, I tried to take photos of us plus the museum but it's harder than you think.

So here are the photos I took from this weekend!
http://picasaweb.google.com/onyourmind/BilbaoMay2008

Check them out.
Much love,
-c-

My half birthday party!!!!!

I love my friends here. It is official, I do!!!!!!! We've already known that but lately they've done a supremely amazing job at making me feel at home, loved, appreciated, and giggly.

Janna threw me a half-birthday party on Tuesday because my actual 20th birthday was so crappy. Yes, Julio and I went out to dinner, but it was still kind of early in our relationship and we barely talked! It was a good silence, but not what I was expecting or hoping for on my GOLDEN BIRTHDAY, of all things. Janna and friends in the fall figured that Julio would take care of me for my birthday but his passport that he got over christmas break ended up being my birthday present. Which is great, but I decided that could be my present so he didn't feel bad about making me anything, like I did for his in early October.

Janna felt pretty bad about the whole thing, and even worse when she found out about the package I opened on my birthday that had some extremely emotionally intense contents. My parents did send me an AWESOME fabric mobile of gingko leaves, one of my favorite trees, which hung on my closet rod until the end of the semester. It was a rainy, rainy day, and my host family almost forgot about my birthday, as admitted by my host mom. They did write me a really sweet card and gave me some yummy coconut macaroons...but when I tried one, it was literally chemical-testing and truly awful. I have no idea if something in them went wrong or who knows what but I had to spit it out. Bad news.

So all in all, this half birthday was going to be better than my real birthday because it was going to have cake, for starters, but it really did end up being FABULOUS!!!


Janna got me a Mickey and Minnie cake (hilarious) with a question mark candle because how old was I really?! There was tiramisu ice cream, whipped cream, chocolate sauce, SPRINKLES (!!!!!!!!), and even Champagne!! There were adorable cards from Kendra and Janna (THANK YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) that made me glad I'd stayed the whole year all over again so I could stay friends with them. I got a RAINBOW KITE that is missing one important part but will soon be fixed (and I can bring it home!!) and STICKERS. Does Janna know me, or what?!?!

Cameron, Miles, Simonne, Kendra, Saúl, Janna and Julio came and SURPRISED ME!!!! Such tricky kids. We laughed, we told stories about IES professors that are crazy, and all in all relaxed and enjoyed our sugar highs. It was amazing.
I'm off to Bilbao with Julio and will be back on Saturday. You can expect 6 billion photos to be posted ASAP!!!

Much love,
-Casey

Days go by, but slooooowlllyyyy....

Hi all!

Here is a direct excerpt from my journal on Tuesday, the 13th (an unlucky day here in Spain and the day of the earthquake in China).

“This is FINALLY the last week of IES classes and I am within spitting distance of the end. I am behind on my Lit readings but not too worried, frankly. I still feel like I should be done with a short Surrealism paper by now and maybe should have even already finished my gender paper. Oh well, I don’t know, I am just whiny and negative and cranky and feel like I am so DONE here that I can’t animate myself to be a kickass student. I’m dragging my feet while meticulously counting the days and hours left until the end. Julio and Joey think I should do the work or shut up about it and stop worrying/beating myself up about it because technically I am not “behind” at all.

Salamanca is getting greener and on certain days NOT like today, much warmer, which both helps me not hate the calendar as much as also makes it so much worse as I imagine all of the ways I could and should be enjoying myself at home. I think another reason why I feel so lost here is that at home and at Bowdoin especially there is always somewhere to go that is MINE. Here, I have my room. Even at San Isidro where I am now, even in the Plaza or in my favorite Café or the study room in the Palacio, I know I am just a visitor and I know I don’t belong. At Bowdoin, I can leave my room and end up on the Quad, in Smith Union at the Café or down below, in the computer lab, at the library or wherever and I know that I am safe, people may judge me but I don’t care and am far less aware of it. I hate the feeling of living out of my bag, of watching my back and making sure my butt isn’t hanging out or that I’m speaking good Spanish or quiet English. At night I have to make sure not to lose anything and to not get into weird situations or conversations whereas at Bowdoin I trust way more people and would barely have a chance to get into those situations anyway. I think this is why I don’t like traveling as much as I always thought I would/did-I don’t like living out of a bag, out of a hostel. I don’t like depending on trains or taxis or buses, worrying about getting lost or losing something, dressing inappropriately or provocatively or whatever. I don’t like planning where and what to eat and I don’t like worrying about meeting people/sharing rooms at the hostel.

I liked traveling with my family because apart from all the translating I did, for the most part they took care of me. I didn’t have to plan or worry about hardly anything and I really appreciated that! I realize that someday I’ll have to really grow up and understand that whether or not there are other people who can and want to take care of me, I will have to be the primary person responsible for myself. And I think I’ve already been doing that here because that’s obviously one of the main parts of living mostly on your own in a foreign country (IES helped with some of the basics like housing but let’s face it, they were pretty useless in general) and traveling etc etc and maybe that’s why I’m so tired of it but at the same time I know that I still live a pretty cushioned life in terms of watching out for myself. Point being, I’m more than ready to be back in Bowdoin’s cushy and perhaps coddling arms, even though I know they won’t last forever and that the experiences I’ve had here are a step on the long, dark path to growing up.

Apart from all that, just to confuse things even more, I can’t believe I’m writing most of this! I sound whiny and scared and closed-minded and not like a girl who knew what she wanted or thought she wanted from studying abroad. I don’t regret doing a full year simply because I know a semester wasn’t enough but wow has it been like 2 months too long! I still have my happy days and moments and can still see the good things about Salamanca but holy shit, I’ve been pretty unhappy lately! And that scares me because I don’t want to waste my time here. I don’t want to seem ungrateful for the opportunities I have every day to become a better person/student/Spanish speaker etc and I don’t want to beat up on Salamanca but I can’t seem to stop myself or get out of this rut!!! I’ve been having this same conversation with myself and my parents and friends, even Julio (though I tried and try to avoid it because it’s embarrassing to see myself like this and hurtful to him to know I’d be happier simply by being in the US instead of Spain and hard for him to understand where I’m coming from, though he really has been absolutely and completely supportive and understanding, as best as he can) for at least the past month and that makes me sad!!

I’ve decided to finally post something in my blog about it with the hopes that maybe it will be so cathartic that I will just let it go and let myself take each day as it comes and see it for the wonder that it is, maybe I’ll feel so publicly embarrassed at being such a sad sack lame-o who can’t figure out where AWESOME CASEY went that I will pull myself together, get my act together, shape up, etc and re-discover my OPTIMIST, positive Izzie Stevens side and say goodbye to my dark and twisty dithering loser Meredith Grey side, or maybe your comments of encouragement, help, or just get-your-act-together and shut-up comments will finally reach me where it matters and make a change. That would really be great, because I know deep down I’m AMAZING Casey instead of grumbly Casey. I just have to find her again.”

Since this entry, not much has changed but many events have occurred that DEFINITELY need to be posted about on here! My apologies for the delay and lack of substantial posts, I know there are at least a few of you out there who have been using this blog to procrastinate on doing work, and now that’s what I’m doing—posting here instead of studying for my gender final! That plan has been wrecked right now, actually, because now I’m going to walk to Julio’s because I need exercise of SOME kind and study over there while he reads about depression for a final sculpture project. Are we a fun couple or what?! No but seriously, I’ll be back later to finish this update. It will include photos of a drag show, so you better keep reading!

Much love,
-c-

Baila el Chiki Chiki!

This is Spain's entry into Eurovision 2008.
Please watch the entire thing, and look for the awesome shoutout to Rey Juan Carlos around 1:50.

Can anyone who doesn't know Spanish awkward translations of english names or words figure out what 1-4 of the Chiki Chiki steps are?!?! You get points if you think it's as funny as I do.

More substantial posts to come soon, probably.
This is for you, Cati!
xoxo
-c-

Cantabria Photos

Hi all!

Check out my Cantabria photos:

http://picasaweb.google.com/onyourmind/CantabriaPuente1DeMayo2008

Franco exam: May 15th
Gender exam and final paper due: May 20th
Surrealism exam: May 21st
Methodology exam and portfolio due: June 2
Literature exam: June 2

Home: June 16th

but there is still plenty more to come before any of that happens!
much love,
-c-